While growing up, I
watched too much TV dreamed of finding a (near perfect) partner to spend forever with. I dreamed of a glamorous garden wedding, the beautiful house with the white picket fence, an SUV, the perfect (desk) job, a kid and maybe even a dog. Welp! None of that has happened, except...maybe the dog.
I've been battling with myself for about two months about whether or not I was happy with the direction in which my life was headed. I questioned my relationship, my unemployment, my talents...my destiny.
After much internal debate, I decided to call it quits with my relationship. Don't get me wrong, R is an amazing man. He's super supportive, compassionate and loving. You know when they say "it's not you, it's me"? As cliche as that may sound, it's true. It is me.
I felt as if I was settling. As if my relationship was more so for convenience because hey, I'm hitting thirty in about two years and we've been together for over five years. Marry me damn it! Thank goodness he didn't. I realized that I'm not ready to be a wife. I'm not ready to submit or commit myself to anyone else but me. I haven't lived as yet!! And that freaks me out.
Another cliche for ya...I've lost myself. In the years since I've been with R, I have changed a lot...for the better maybe but at this point in time there are a lot of things that I don't know about myself anymore. I know that there's so much that I want to accomplish and that I want to travel the world (yep the entire thing!) but everything else is a WTF moment for me.
I've spent a week on my mother's couch and honestly, I'm a little bit more happy. I get to see my family everyday, even if sometimes they get on my last nerve and frustrate the hell out of me
or I want to kick my brother in the neck. I get to interact more often with my little sister and do girly things like paint her toe nails, brush her hair...even just hug and kiss her as much as I want to and can without her getting annoyed and trying to elbow me. Let's not forget about Bailey! My alarm clock. Every morning since I've been here, Bailey has either slept on the couch or next to the couch with me and I guarantee you at 6:30 every morning, he's gonna stand in my face and bark. Well good-morning Bails!
I've started a new chapter and that's okay with me. R and I are friends. That's how we started out but it's time for me to set out on this journey alone. It's gonna be scary! If I fall, there's no one to pick me up but me...but I'm willing to suffer through a few bruises to find out what makes Eesh happy and what makes Eesh tick.
"The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves"
- Shirley McClaine -