"Sometimes you meet someone and it's so clear that the two of you on some level belong together. 
As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different.
You just work whether you understand one another or you're in love or you're partners in crime.
You meet these people throughout your life,
out of nowhere,
under the strangest circumstances and they help you feel alive.
I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence or fate, or sheer blind luck,
but it definitely makes me believe in something."

He looked at her and said "you don't know how beautiful you are". 

She didn't. She still don't but those were words she needed to hear. 

He cooked dinner. They snuggled and partially watched a movie about the devil or something but ended up talking the entire time. 

He said he missed her. 

She smiled. 

He said "I really want to kiss you."  

She wanted him to. So, so badly. 

Then it happened. 

This kiss brought her back to life. This kiss...awakened something so powerful inside of her; something that was asleep for so long. 

She kissed back.

They lied in bed for hours, wrapped in each other's arms after she promised herself that she wouldn't have sex with him. But...he was incredibly sweet and honest. 

Brutally honest. 

She appreciated it. His honesty was refreshing. Far from the bullshit she had experienced with past lovers her entire life. He was attentive. He cared. 

Maybe dinner was his way of seducing her. She used to question it until she realized that she didn't care. She was happy. Not just because he made love to her and blew her mind in ways that just can't be explained but because she was comfortable. She felt beautiful and unstoppable. He rekindled her passion; passion that had once been missing from her life for six fucking years.

He listened and provided feedback ONLY if she wanted it. He was respectful. He gave her the space she needed but made sure that she was okay. He wasn't manipulative or self absorbed. He believed in her and didn't hold back.

They were alike in so many ways, yet so different.

She digged that.

She was attracted to his intellect, his confidence and loved his dominance. Everything about him drove her wild. Everything about him was beautiful.


Heartbreak kills self confidence and shatters self worth. The feeling of someone flirting with you or new romance helps the healing process. You are also made aware that, even though you swore you'd never end up in another relationship or never love again, your heart is receptive to love even when you think it will never be able to love or feel affection ever again because you've loved in vain.

Love may hurt but so does rejection, loneliness and loss. Love heals. We have to be willing to let it seep into our pores to restore us.

New Chapter


"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space." 
- Johnny Cash -

There's something so refreshing about starting over. The weight of the world has somewhat fallen off my shoulders and I feel so light. While there's the occasional depression that creeps up on me, I've learned to handle it.

I feel like such a new person. 

There are so many things that I want to accomplish and I feel like I have so little time but that's just my excitement setting in. I have bigger goals. I crave stability like never before and I'm out to get it.

I've been able to build new relationships and improve existing ones leaving me grateful for the amazing and positive people that I now have in my life. When I say positive, man I mean POSITIVE! These mofos do not leave room for negativity. They shut that shit down quick when my mind goes awry! Those were the type of people I needed.

My relationship with Christ has grown tremendously! Don't mind me dropping some f bombs every now and again. It takes time :) I came across something on IG that totally describes how I feel and it goes:
'What made me love Christ wasn't that all of a sudden I started figuring out how to do life. What made me love Christ is that when I was at my worst, when I was at my lowest point, when I absolutely could not clean myself up and there was nothing anybody could do with me, right at that moment, Christ said "I'll take that one. That's the one I want."'
This is so my testimony! 

I've found new hobbies and in time, I guess I'll post about them.

I'm taking a lot of time for myself, something I've rarely done in the past seven years. Something I couldn't really do and I'm loving it.

I'm growing/maturing and discovering who I am.
Thank God for growth!
I'm sorry if I'm just running on about how  my life is turning out to be (right now) but when you've been in a funk for as long as I have, you would boast about it too.

This post is titled New Chapter because well, I'm done ranting about the past, although my past has made me who I am. My journey is my own and I look forward to sharing what happens in my future in the form of stories, photos...or future rants (haha) and I'm so thankful for those of you who've stuck around through every one of them.


To Whom It May Concern


"This is an apology letter to both of us for how long it took me to let things go."
-Buddy Wakefield-

'Dear you' 
she wrote.

'You must understand. Yes, the words that were said were meant to hurt you. They were meant to chew you up and spit you out as if you were nothing, as if you were yesterday's spoiled leftovers. I wanted to inflict pain, cause harm. I wanted you to die. I wanted you to encounter every worse case scenario possible. There were days where my hands itched to grab a baseball bat and take it to the front glass, back glass, ...all the windows of your car.' 


There were days when I stood by with a bottle of gasoline and a match...'

'I wanted you to hate me like I hated you. I wanted to hurt you because of how messed up I felt. Because of how badly you hurt me. At that point in time, everything was going wrong in my life and all I could think was how could you have abandoned me? Especially at the ONE time I needed you to accept me. I needed you to choose me. How could you not choose me after everything we've been through? After I chose you, time after time after time. How could you take my best-friend away from me? Who the hell am I going to talk to when I feel like crap or when something amazing happens? The answer to that, was no one. I didn't talk to anyone.'

'I now realize that you aren't obligated to do anything for me. 
You aren't obligated to be with me. 
You aren't obligated to me. 
And enough is enough.
I don't blame you. I've come to see that I had and still have some serious issues to work through on my own.' 

'I must sound like a scratched record but I want to sincerely apologize for all of my actions...everything I ever did to hurt you before. My actions are inexcusable and I always failed to think before I lashed out at you...but you knew that.' 

'I'm not asking for your forgiveness, although it would be nice, but I've come to the realization that I don't require your forgiveness in order to move on because I have forgiven myself and have forgiven you.' 

'I'm happy that you're happy. Please wish me luck as I try to find my own happiness.'

'Love always,'
'The girl that broke you & pushed you away but now she's happy you chose not to stay'


Apologies aren't always accepted. Especially when you've apologized repeatedly for the same things. Sometimes we really don't deserve forgiveness but we hope that those who are the ones offering their forgiveness aren't as fucked up as we are and would do so any way. 

For so long I've been punishing myself for various things. I replayed everything over and over in my mind constantly and I've been afraid to run into him because of the awful things I said after everything blew up in my face. I've been casting blame where I knew I should have accepted some. But what I've learned  in the past few months is that, forgiveness doesn't always require the other party involved. As long as you forgive yourself, as long as you can live with yourself, it's easy to move forward and be okay. 

At what do point do you know it's okay to forgive yourself?



She found herself in child's pose, with a block or two under her forehead. Her bust too ample to allow her face to touch the mat.

"Breathe in and exhale" she was told. 

Through her nose, she inhaled and the air rushed in. Air accompanied by every worrisome thought that could come to mind. She exhaled, letting go of the air she had just breathed in but not of her thoughts. She kept on breathing, taking in more worry with each breath, never letting it go.

She stood up and saluted the sun, posed as a warrior. She was indeed a warrior, slashing and cutting through the bullshit that she seemed to be standing waist deep in. She was also a worrier, who, with every breath took on the world.

Instead of concentrating on her breathing and form, she focused on Sunday morning; dreading the moment she would run into her ex and his new girlfriend at church.

She tumbled into the happy baby pose and exhaled, loudly. It was in that moment that she let go of the worry, the dread, the bullshit. She breathed for the first time, inhaling life and exhaling everything else. Her focus became clear. She was there to find herself. She was there for peace and tranquility.

She was there to release.


Yoga is something that will have to grow on me. I appreciate the instructor's patience with a beginner and allowing me to go at my own pace. She showed me easier ways to get into a pose and the breakdown of some poses. I nailed the tree pose! The girls however, don't allow for much bending/folding and I found that in the happy baby pose they were kind of suffocating me so we had to put two blocks under my head. Boo! One day I'll be able to do the poses without blocks. 

Have you tried yoga? 


Now What?


 She inhaled deeply, then gave it all she had. 

Hit after hit 
Pound after pound 

Her fists landing on it's mark each time she swung.

     She dropped her head as she lifted her arms.

     "I hate you!" She screamed. "I hate you!"

     With every swing she pictured his face, anger looming inside. Sweat dripped from her face emulating a perfect swan dive landing in the abyss of her shirt. A shirt that read, 'Fight For Your Life'. She was tired of fighting...for anything...
for everything

Every time she fought, she lost and all those losses were taking its toll on her.

     The greatest lost of all was when the love of her life (or so she thought he was) walked out on her without an explanation or justification. She was angry. She was hurt. She wanted him dead. Yes, dead.

     She swung and swung and hit and punched and imagined it was him she was beating to a pulp.

     Finally, the bag fell open and sand came pouring out. She fell to the floor in tears, sand covering her face. "I have no fight left!" She screamed. "Now what?"


This is perhaps the easiest way that I can express my anger. I have always been an angry person, childhood aside. There have been so many events in my teenage years that have led me to be so angry with the world and so messed up in the head but I have to remind myself, one day at a time because I have to make it, if only for myself.